I was waiting tables at a restaurant when a man came in with an ostrich. They sat in my station, and the man ordered a chicken salad sandwich and a beer. The ostrich said, "Good choice! Me too!" I served them and the man reached into his pocket. He pulled out the exact amount of the bill plus a 20% tip, and set it on the table. Then they left together. I decided I liked him, as did the rest of the people there.

This pattern repeated for a few weeks until one day the man ordered chicken tenders and a Merlot. Again, the ostrich said, "Good choice! Me too!" This one was more expensive, but again, when he reached into his pocked, he pulled out the exact amount of the bill plus a 20% tip. I just had to ask what his story was.

"See, I found an ancient lamp on the beach, and when I tried to clean it off, a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. My first wish was that everyone I met would like me. My second wish was that I would always have enough money in my pocket for whatever I wanted to do." He then grew silent and somber.

"So," I asked, "what was your third wish?"

"I wished for a long-legged chick with a big butt who would agree with everything I said and follow me everywhere."

I think we can go food for another round.

Old Samuel was a very poor tailor whose shop, in Redbridge, Essex, England, was next door to a very upmarket French restaurant - Truffles.
Every day at lunch time, Samuel would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odours coming from the Truffles' kitchen.

One day, Samuel was surprised to receive an invoice from Jean-Luc, the restaurateur for "enjoyment of food." So he went Immediately to speak to Jean-Luc to point out that he had not bought anything from them. Jean-Luc smiled and said, 'You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.'

Naturally Samuel refused to pay and the restaurant owner sued him.

At the hearing, the Judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. Jean-Luc stood up and purred, 'Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen at the rear of Truffles; he smells our food while eating his, it is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.'

The Judge turns to Samuel and said, 'What do you have to say to that?'

Samuel didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The Judge asked him, 'What is the meaning of that?'

Samuel replied, 'Well it's simple really: I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.'




money

I have a yen for money puns.

Keep them coming.

The dead man was not living well in the afterlife. He was dead broke.

Dead

Did you hear what happened to the frog? It croaked!

Frogs

Why are frogs so fat? Because they eat whatever bugs them.

Bugs
This message was last edited by the player at 00:09, Tue 15 Mar 2022.

What do you call a fly with no wings? A crawl.

More bugs

A fly is buzzing around on a hot summer afternoon when he notices a smaller bug on his back. He asks the smaller bug, “Are you a mite?”
The smaller bug says, “I might be.”
Says the fly, “That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard.”
The mite replies, “What do you expect? I just made it up on the fly!”

More more bugs

There were twin weevils: Billy Bob and Jimmy Joe. They did everything together. Billy Bob won the state track championship and Jimmy Joe took second. Billy Bob was named Most Likely to Succeed, just beating out Jimmy Joe. Billy Bob ended up marrying Miss Cotton Boll, and Jimmy Joe married the runner-up.

One day, Billy Bob was found shot to death, and an investigation quickly put the blame on Jimmy Joe. When confronted, he confessed, saying, "Do you know how frustrating it is to always be the lesser of two weevils?"

Evil

https://youtu.be/NY3DrA7tJFk

Lazy :)

My nephew is so lazy. His exercise routine consists of watching horror movies to make his skin crawl.

Exercise

Why can athletes lift more than prisoners?
Because the pros outweigh the cons.

More exercise

I appreciate this giant box of ice cream treats, but that's not what I meant when I wanted you to give me 10 push-ups.

Ice cream

Ice cream because you are driving me crazy!

Driving

Drive you crazy? I don't need to drive you crazy; a 2-foot putt will do!

Golf

Golf is not my cup of tee.

More golf

Golf is the hole reason to live.

More golf

Why do golfers always go to play with spare pants with them?
In case they get a hole in one!

Pants
This message was last edited by the player at 10:11, Sat 19 Mar 2022.

♫Go wear pants if you want to
Or just leave your pants behind
But my friends have pants, so if you've no pants, then you're
No friend of mine!♫

Friends

Friends are those that don't listen to bad gossiping about you.
They spread new.

Spreads

I'm so jelly you didn't get into a jam

Fruit

You’re the apple of my eye!

More fruit

Orange you glad I brought this topic up?

Keep it fruity

Be like a pineapple – always wear your crown!

Crown

A king lost his dental work and his kingdom, thus being decrowned twice.

Teeth