This thread is for all things related to Monty Python.  You don't have to quote.  You can simply discuss things, quote, be silly, and buy dead parrots.  Whatever catches your fancy, so long as it is somehow at least tangentially related to Monty Python.

You may post in this thread as much as you want, as long as you BRING ME A SHRUBBERY!!
This message was last edited by the GM at 18:54, Wed 05 Apr 2006.

You must now bring me...

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Spoiler text: (Highlight or hover over the text to view)
ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!!!

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.... And chop down this mighty oak with.... A HERRING!

"We are no longer the Nights who say 'ni' we now say... blah blah" What do they say?

Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.

What about pointy sticks?

Oh, and they say something on the order of "eky eky eky ptang zoom boing mumble mumble" Or that's what I hear, anyway.

*nods in agreement with Germ* Yeah, that's about what I remember hearing too...

Heath, can't the Holy Hand Grenade defend me against fresh fruit? Or does it only work on the deadly monster in the cave?

We must consult the Book of the Holy Hand Grenade on that matter.

*consults the Book* Let's see... "... and you shall count to three..." no, that's detonation... waitaminute! This is only about how to detonate the Holy Hand Grenade! We need the one that says what it does...

You sure there isn't more in that book?

You're looking in the wrong book. You want the Book of Armaments. Look for the place where they were feasting on anything and everything.

What if I just want to eat the herring?

Whoa, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!

Welcome!

Thank you, but-

(just then, 3 men in red robes burst in)

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

Our weapon is surprise and fear. No, our two chief weapons are suprise, and fear, as well as an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and torture. Ugh! Amoungst our chief weaponry- I'll come back later.

(They walk out)

Run away!

Biggles, bring out... THE COMFY CHAIR!

I can't run away, I have to go to my job.....AS A LUMBERJACK!

I cut down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspenders, and a bra!
I'd wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa!

Do you like to press wildflowers?

Do you put on women's clothing and hang around in bars?

Yes, I do, but right now I'm in the mood for cheese.

Just watch out for the witch.

How much does she weigh? Bring out the scales!

Careful.  She'll turn you into a newt.

At least I won't be a dead newt, unlike this parrot I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Was the owner a shrubber?

And now for something completely different.

Look at the bones!

The BBC wishes to apologise for the previous sketch.

I also must stop this sketch, for it is getting far too silly.

AAAAAAAAhhhhh_hhhh

This is a nice army base you've got here, colonel.

Who's in charge here?

I am in charge of this birth here. Quickly, get the machine that goes PING!

And this is the most expensive machine in the hospital.

What does it do?

It's crowning! Get the rough towels!

And a shrubbery!

Don't forget to find the fish!

Bring out... THE SOFT CUSHIONS!

And the comfy chair?

They're not working, Cardinal!

She's made of sterner stuff.

Burn her!

Burma!

Burma?

I panicked.

Oh, well, just ... run away!

Who's got a boil on his semprini, then?

Silly english kah-nig-its

Mum, there's a dead vicar on the landing.

She's got HUGE... tracts of land.

*Sigh* I need to look on the bright side of life.

Speaking of life, what's the meaning of life?

And now, it's time for the penguin on top of your television to explode.

I thought I'd already determined I wasn't going to put penguins there anymore.  So, how'd the penguin get on top of my TV this time?

Maybe it's from the zoo.

That's a given.  But how did it get to my TV?

Albatross!

What flavour is it?

And what's it's air speed velocity?

I don't know that.

(falls off the bridge)

I can't tell Whizzo butter from this dead crab!

I fart in your general direction.

Call the church police!

(I do wish I'd watch Monty Python more recently.  I'd be doing much better, but my memory is stale.)

"It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty."


(does that help?)

::grins snorts and giggles all the way outta the barn::

You have been found not gilcup.

there's egg and bacon. egg sausage and bacon. egg and spam. egg, bacon and spam. egg, bacon, sausage and spam. spam, bacon, sausage and spam. spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam. spam, sausage, spam, spam, bacon, spam, tomato and spam.

What about spam?  Do you have spam?

Spam, spam, spam, spam

Dang it, I can't Identify this tree.

Spamalot!!

No, it is an awful place.

Raz likes to push the Tram-a-Lot!

It's only a model.

What's your favorite color?

... Yellow... *flies off the bridge*
This message was last edited by the player at 22:09, Thu 06 Apr 2006.

GET ON WITH IT!

The larch.

Can you identify it from a distance?

And now, It's A Tree, with Arthur Tree.

Later, A dog, with Allen Bark

MY BRAIN HURTS!

Sketch please.

Hello, I'd like to have an argument please.

I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

*points to another thread* Look! Brit's a swallow!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing!

What are you testing?

This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

But it's 12:09... *is suddenly too tired to think in Monty Python...*

This is your 12:10 alarm call?

I WANT TO SING!

All together now

"I'm a lumberjack and i'm ok...

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine thousand miles an hour.
It's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
'Round the sun that is the source of all our power.
Now the sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day,
In the outer spiral arm, at fourteen thousand miles an hour,
Of a galaxy we call the Milky Way.
This message was last edited by the player at 13:24, Fri 07 Apr 2006.

"We're Knights of the Round Table..."

Burma!

There, I've run rings around you logically.

The universe is wizzing!

A witch!!

Burn her!  Burn her!

I'm not a witch!

She's made from a larch!

Whacks Raz with huge fish.

*Puts on a full suit of armor and then hits TheHalibutKid with a chicken.*

It's only a scratch

No it's not, I just cut your arm off!

I panicked!

Don't lie...

And now, here's Conrad Poohs and his Dancing Teeth!

And now for something completely the same.

*whispers to Germ*: you'll have to excuse Mr. Hilter. He hasn't slept since 1945.

*Startles and looks strangely at Nat.*

Lemon Curry?!

And there was much rejoicing.

Yaaaayyy...

I'll bite your toes off!

Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, say-no-more, say-no-more.

Just don't mention the war.

We'll build a giant wooden badger...

But why a badger?

Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.

I'm French! Can't you tell by my outrageous accent?

All wight. I will give you one more chance. This time, I want to hear no 'Weuben's, no 'Weginald's, no 'Wudolph the Wed-nosed Weindeer's,...
No 'Thpenther Trathy'th!

King? Who elected you?

Biggus Dickus

Well I certainly never voted for you!

Ahh, what's so special about the cheesemakers?

It's a rabbit!

How will we get it inside?

Run away!

For the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. Nine-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will...

...I see. Well, of course, this is just the sort of blinkered philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss for the struggling artist. You excrement! You whining hypocritical toadies with your colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding masonic secret handshakes! You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards?! Well I wouldn't become a Freemason now if you went down on your lousy stinking knees and begged me!

*laughs and dies at the Funniest Joke in the World*

Also, why is it that nobody remembers the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-bratwustle-gernspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shonedanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

OFF WITH HER HEAD!

Could you please show us your three buttocks?

You mean the 11:20 train?

I vill not buy this record, it is scratched.
My hofercraft is full of eels.
You hafe lovely thighs.

Do you have any cheese?

SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!

Oh, you're no fun anymore!

Oh yeah, well your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!

Your life or your lupins, my lord.

Another use of coconuts is...

NI!

Nu!

Well, this is different.

What are you talking about, it's the same as always!

Bring out your dead!

Your not fooling anyone.

It's hidden in his trousers!

How could such a small bird carry a coconut.

Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Well, er, yes Mr Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.

The larch.

You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards! Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is, and you come in with your petty feeble quibbling and you grind him into the dirt, this fine, honourable man, whose boots you are not worthy to kiss. Oh... it makes me mad... mad!

All I wanted was another spoon...

His name is Lance. He likes to dance.

And just as the Black Beast of AAAggghhhh was about to pounce on our heroes, it seemed that their evident peril was upon them.

But suddenly, the artist suffered a heart attack.

"GACK!" *falls backward*

*Pathetic voices*

yayyyyy

Lucky I didn't show them my dirty knife.
This message was last edited by the player at 01:14, Fri 14 Apr 2006.

In the debate, a spokesman accused the goverment of being silly and doing not at all good things. The member accepted this in the spirit of healthy criticism, but denied that he had ever been naughty with a choir boy. Angry shouts of 'What about the Watermelon then?' were ordered then by the speaker to be stricken from the record and put into a brown paper bag in the lavvy. Any further interruptions would be cut up and distributed amongst the poor. For the Government, a front-bench spokesman said the Agricultural Tariff would have to be raised, and he fancied a bit. Futhermore, he argued, this would give a large boost to farmers, him, his friends, and Miss Moist of Knightsbridge. From the back benches there were opposition shouts of 'Postcards for sale' and a healthy cry of 'Who likes a sailor then?' from the minister without portfolio. Replying, the Shadow Minister said he could no longer deny the rumors, but he and the Dachshund were very happy. And in any case he argued Rhubarb was cheap, and what was the harm in a sauna bath?

*does a silly walk*

Gentlemen, our MP saw the PM this AM and the PM wants more LSD from the PIB by tomorrow AM or PM at the latest. I told the PM's PPS that AM was NBG so tomorrow PM it is for the PM nem. con. Give us a fag or I'll go spare. Now, the fiscal deficit with regard to the monetary balance, the current financial year excluding invisible exports, but adjusted of course for seasonal variations and the incremental statistics of the fiscal and revenue arrangements for the forthcoming annual budgetary period terminating in April.

I like Chinese.

I'm not sure if I should put this idea here on in suggestions, however I will put it here since this thread has drifted to the third page.  I believe we should open up this gain to all british humor (Red Dwarf, The HitchHiker's Guide to the Universe, etc.) Also, put in a subtle reference from where it came from, generally.

AM I CRAZY OR WHAT?

We already knew you were crazy...

Welcome to the Castle Anthraz... I mean, Anthrax...

*Walks by chanting and smacking self with a book.*

You call that a silly walk?

*Smacks self again with book.*  What?

Do you mind if I call you Bruce?

*Drinks some PGGB.*  I call him Fred.

OOC: I know very little about Monty Python and other things mentioned here, so I might just smile and nod and not understand every once in a while.

*Smiles and nods.*

*Smiles, nods, and waves.*

Hello Bruce!

But he is Fred?

Kemal Ataturk had an entire menagerie called Abdul!

I knew that would happen.

It's a fair cop.

And there was much rejoicing.

Sir Robin is a coward.

*Points to a duck.*  A WITCH!

But the teeth!

*Smacks self in head again with his book.*

Here, put this nappy on your head and then use this brick.

*Puts the nappy on his head.*

Now hit your head with the brick and sing "I love you truly"

*Does so.*

Look!  A cat detector van!

*Hold out thumb and it does that thing... you know what I'm talking about.*

I don't know how to read.

*Show FL his book then smacks himself again.*

You are a fishmongrer!

A newt?

Right, carry on then.

What is your name?
This message had punctuation tweaked by the player at 21:42, Wed 19 Apr 2006.

Sir notappearinginthisfilm

What, is your quest?

I seek the grail

What...is your favorite color?

err puce?

You'll be dead in a few minutes. Into the pit with you.

It's only a scratch.

It isn't! Your arm's off!

Ahh, it's only a Flesh wound, leave the poor kid alone

Get on with it!

What is your name?

But I quite like putting myself in danger!

That's a fair cop.

Who wants to walk silly?

They have a place for people like you.

Is it in a castle with lots of beautiful women?

I have come to rescue you.

No no, I'm quite fine here, I can handle them

Have you found the grail?

Umm, yes, the girls are going to show me where they store it, but I have to go alone with them, so you can go now, I'm quite safe.

No! I must rescue you@

Noo, I'm fine *holds onto girls*

But I must!  *Rips you away from the warm embrace of the beautiful women of Castle Anthrax.*

Noooo *reaches for girls as he is pulled away*

I've already told you once.

Told me what once?

If you want an argument, you're going to have to pay.

I was looking for abuse

You worthless malodorous pervert!

And now for something Completly Different...

...a man with three legs.

I wonder where the fish could be
A Fish
A Fish
A Fishy
Oh

Hello Bruce.

Do swallows migrate?

Where did you get the cocanuts?

I found them

In England?

Of course

But cocanuts don't grow in England.

Then they must migrate

The larch.

And now for Something Completely Different.

A Singing Lumberjack

On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea.

Your father smells of elderberries.

That's not true.  I'll admit that my mother is a hamster, but my father smelled of eucalyptus for his entire koala life

(I'll miss you Papa.  Just like when you missed that branch while on a eucalyptus wine binge.  I'll never forget the look on your face as you plunged 150 metres to your death.  How you managed to not spill a drop of the wine still amazes me.  We drank the rest of that bottle at your funeral.  You would have wanted it that way.  But perhaps I'm getting a little off topic.)

Thats, disturbing.

NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.

*Talked about the spansih inquisition in comparative civ today*

Which do you mean, the African or European Spanish Inquisition?

Is there time for me to say that this is my first time on television?

Only If you answer me Three Questions!

What, is your name?

I am Cerulean Tron Guy.

What is your Quest?

I seek the Number 1 spot on the Most Post in a Week section in the Hall of Fame.

Is What you are doing legal?

I don't know AHHHH!!!!!

Mr. Hilter, there's a man on the phone for you. He says he's found a place where you can hire bombers by the hour!

It's...

And now for something completely different.

Right then, carry on.

But she's got huge...tracts of land!

It's only a model

Always look on the bright side of life.

Give a whistle!

Just purse your lips

Yea, verily, at that time, it is written in the book of Obadiah. A man shall strike his donkey and his nephew's donkey and anyone...

...and the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.  Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three.  Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.  Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

But we're an autonomous collective!

Three sir.

Personally, I very much doubt if they're going to say anything about the meaning of life at all.

Not von Ribbentrop, eh? Eh?

At sunrise go to the highest room of the tallest tower.  And from there, jump of.

I just want to...sing!

Burma!

Isn't it coincidental that Monty Python had "Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time" and this board is called "A Serious Waste of Time"?

Any connection or copycat, I wonder?

Don't look at me, look at despyzer.

'Cause despyzer were too clever fer the Spanish.

This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes.
In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die... laughing.

And the reader of his estate shall also die laughing as he reads the last words.

Officer:
I can stand physical pain, you know.

Nazi:
Ah... you're no fun. All right, Otto.

Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing.

Officer:
Oh no - anything but that please no, all right I'll tell you.

I don't like horses much ...
"They have nasty, sharp pointy teeth!"
Bart holds up two fingers in front of his mouth, mimicking fanged teeth.

They do? RUN AWAY!!!

"What is your favorite color?"

All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

Brought peace.

Oh. Peace? Shut up!

I was thinking about the Ministry of Silly Walks and I was practicing a bit earlier today while I was going down the sidewalk.  Some people were unusual looking and by that I don't mean that they looked wierd, although they did, I mean that they were giving me unusual looks.

From now on, you shall be called 'Brian that is called Brian'.

"Deo Gracias... [thud]"
Ever feel like that's the way your life is going? ;)

NI

We are no longer the knights who say, 'Ni'.

Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition!

...and almost fanatical devotion to the pope

This, is an ex-parrot!

And the twit of the year award goes to...

...Ron Obvious!

And now, I think you'll find this a bit more interesting.

"It's no ordinary rabbit..."

Huh, there's no Messiah in here. There's a mess, all right, but no Messiah. Now, go away!

You can't say that to my good friend, Biggus...

We have Thamthon the Thadduthee Thtrangler, Thilus...

Stop!  Before you proceed any further, you must answer me these questions three...

And the number of the counting shall be three.
This message was last edited by the player at 16:49, Tue 18 July 2006.

Question the first: What...Is your name?

You mean my given name, my surname or my nickname?

Biggus...

Run away!

The brave, brave Sir kantiandream, he bravely ran away... ;)

Go away or I will tunt you a second time!

But father, I don't want to.  I want to... Sing...

... they were forced to eat Bart, and there was much rejoicing ...

Use it or lose it.  This game has been warned.

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberrys!

All the while "Pomp and Circumstance" (the graduation song) plays in the background while the camera rolls across a majestic view of pastural hills.

Discuss.

We could try using a giant badger...

You see, the posters have learned the first rule of hiding.  Not to come out when their names are called.

We could try taunting it some more!  Oh go clean your armour!

Or we could try saying... Ni!

King Scorpion said the forbidden word! -cringe- Noooo!

You shall find the tallest tree and cut it down witttthh... a Herring!

I think I'd rather eat the herring. What do herrings taste like, anyway?

Like wood!

Really? I always though they tasted more of... shubbery. Which has a more refined taste than normal wood.

(Ok seriosuly that's it for my quotes, I don't know the movies very well!)

That can be remedied!

[Private to Doulos: Try this, you'll never be able to say that again because all the quotes to everything Monty Python are here (that I know of): http://www.mwscomp.com/python.html ]

He has given us... His shoe!

Oh course that's the implication they were trying convey.  They were showing that the king can "exploit the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society."
Dennis said it perfectly.

But all's I know is: Strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Bow to your king!

Well I didn't vote for you!

Have at you!

Look, you stupid Bastard. You've got no arms left.

It's real Hawaiian food served in an authentic, medieval English dungeon atmosphere.

No it's not.

I got better!

Hahahahahahah--*chokes and dies*

Excellent thread imitation.

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.

I'm not dead yet.

Yes you are, you'l be stone dead in a minute

You yellow belly!

NI!

Fetchez la vache!

look you stupid bastard you've got no arms left!

You yellow belly!

Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK!

[Where'd you get that quote?]

Bring out yer dead!

Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!

I am a Gorilla.

He must be a king....he don't go [BEEP] all over 'im

Bring out yer dead... Oh, I see someone already has... Hi Zeldi

I'm not dead......I'm just resting

Its just a flesh wound

It's not much of a cheese shop now is it.

NI

Morning Savior

Go away or I will insult you a second time.

Help help I'm being repressed!

Oh it's merely a flesh wound!

Your arm's off!

Come over here!  I'll bite yer kneecaps off!

What...is your favorite color?

(Referring to ASWOT's recent problems:)

I got better!

He'll be dead soon.

But it's merely a flesh wound!

It is too perilous!

...to castle Aaarrrrggghhhh...

Look at the bones!